Jokes, puns, funny photos etc

[andrewbish]

The Smiths ran a jellied ell stall in ...

Loved it!

[tasadam]

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...

A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral...
I'm a gynaecologist!'

[Strider]

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...

A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral...
I'm a gynaecologist!'

I feel for proctologists!

[tasadam]

I feel for proctologists!

That can be taken more than one way (that isn't a pun )...

Like, do you like to do the "feeling" that proctologists do? Um... okay..... whatever.....

I get your meaning though, a new twist on the joke.

[tasadam]

I was just skimming through the active topics and saw a topic on Nude bushwalking in the Royal (NP), looked across and saw the post had been made in the "Equipment forum". Did a double take - fortunately my eyes skipped a line. Phew!

[phan_TOM]

Seems like a good time to lighten things up a bit with a joke or two

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

& a couple with a more suitable suitable theme for this forum

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"\

[perfectlydark]

Hehe the hunting one was new for me

[forest]

A favourite joke of mine (one of few I ever remember)

I mature lady is standing naked in from of her husband looking at herslef in the mirror.
She comments "Look at my reflection, I'm fat, my skin is pasty, I cannot see my ankles any more and I just feel ugly. Husband, Pay me a compliment"

Husband say "your eyesight is perfect".

[perfectlydark]

What do you do with a legless greyhound?
Take it drag racing

[phan_TOM]

hahaha that is truly wicked forest... I love it

[Pteropus]

A bloke takes his daughter to a zoo. There was just one animal to see there. It was a poo....

[ferozious]

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro: what a rip off!

Last night a hole was discovered on the wall of the nudist camp. The police are currently looking into it.

[puredingo]

Ferozious, that whole bit just reminded me of that segment on the show "fast forward" called dads jokes....Painful.

[MickyB]

What is the collective noun for a group of drug cheats?


A Hird

[Pteropus]

What is the collective noun for a group of drug cheats?


A Hird

nice!

Earlier this year I was at Melbourne airport, and there was a used syringe container in one of the toilet cubicles on which someone had written "Property of the Essendon Football Club". I thought that was pretty funny

[MickyB]

Earlier this year I was at Melbourne airport, and there was a used syringe container in one of the toilet cubicles on which someone had written "Property of the Essendon Football Club". I thought that was pretty funny

Probably put there by Jab Watson!!

[Overlandman]

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians.


CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[Hallu]

It isn't a matter of eating fat, it's a matter of what type of fat you eat. Many people think the French paradox isn't because of wine but because the fat the French eat is mostly quality butter, cream and olive oil (in cooked dishes and pastries). They're more easily processed by our organism than the fats you find in junk food.

[jackhinde]

I don't get that one, can you explain the punchline hallu?

[Strider]

Went over my head too