Jokes, puns, funny photos etc

[Pteropus]

I thought this forum could use a topic for jokes and the like. Hopefully it is funny enough and catches on. Feel free to add bushwalking and non-bushwalking funnies to this topic for a laugh

It was all a blur, but we were driving along and came around this bend and then we witnessed this murder right in front of us!

[whynotwalk]

Nice one Pteropus

And from me ...

You can't have your kayak and heat it too!

kayak_burning.jpg (24.18 KiB) Viewed 33671 times

cheers

Peter

[The Trout Hunter]

Got to camp, pitch black and I find this in my day pack..



Thanks kids

[Pteropus]

haha classic kayak pun Peter! What is the story behind that photo though?

[tasadam]

A photo of two ravens...
Attempted murder.

[ILUVSWTAS]

An American walks into a mcdonalds, the waiter says "table for 2 sir? And would you like that deep fried"

[phan_TOM]

An Englishman, an Irishman and an Australian walk into a bar

The barman says "is this some kind of a joke?"

[doogs]

There are 2 fish in a tank, one fish turns to the other and says "how the hell do you drive this thing?".

[Pteropus]

A photo of two ravens...
Attempted murder.

Attempted Murder.png (109.15 KiB) Viewed 33550 times

[tasadam]

Yes, saw it on Facebook some time ago, it amused me.

[Nuts]

Two exotic looking birds walk into a bar. Sorry says the keeper, we don't serve Mynas... and as for Toucans.....

[whynotwalk]

:lol: haha classic kayak pun Peter! What is the story behind that photo though?

Pta Pteropus - I have to confess, it's not my photo I pre-owned the pun, and used Google Images to find an appropriate pic.

cheers

Peter

[ILUVSWTAS]

One fart says to the other fart, was that you?

[Pteropus]

How do echidnas mate?
Very, very carefully.

[phan_TOM]

A Scotsman, a Cuban, an Australian & a New Zealander are all on a cruise, standing on the back deck having a chat when the Scotsman takes a sip of his almost full glass of fine single malt scotch then throws the glass over the side.
"What! that was a half full glass of good scotch" they say in amazement.
"Don't worry, plenty more of that where I come from" says the Scot.
The Cuban lights and has a few puffs on a fine Cuban cigar and then throws it over the side
"That was almost a whole cuban cigar!" they others exclaim.
"Don't worry, plenty more of those where I come from" says the Cuban
Then the Aussie picks up the Kiwi and throws him over the side...

[sailfish]

How do you terrify a Frenchman?














Threaten him with English cooking!

[Redtail]

Two cannibals eating a clown. One turns to the other and says "Does this taste funny to you?"

Two eagles sitting on a perch. One turns to the other and says "Do you smell fish?"

[Tony]

Last month a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6. In South Africa they didn't know what "please" meant.
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8. In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

[Wolfix]

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the oven til it's bill withers.

[whynotwalk]

Last month a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.

Love it Tony - too true

cheers

Peter

[whynotwalk]

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the oven til it's bill withers.

Literally LOL (You can tell who's a certain age!)

[whynotwalk]

Hmmm - bit quiet here.

Here's one especially for those who use Macs in their office.

Large Jobs.jpg (63.91 KiB) Viewed 33231 times

[bluetongue]

A termite walks into a pub and asks "Where's the bartender!"

[trickos]

What do you call 2 fellas who sit on a window sill all day?
Kurt "n" Rod...

[Pteropus]

Old mate emails ten puns to his friends, hoping that at least one pun would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

[geoskid]

Works for me

If only ...
Tony Ballantyne1
Journal name:Nature
Volume:489,
Page:170
Published online05 September 2012 A taste of your own medicine.


“Doctor,” said Sacha, “Can you give me your assurance that this injection won't harm my children?”

“Well, there's always some risk, Ms Melham. I do have a leaflet that explains everything...”

Sacha placed a finger on the table.

“I don't need a leaflet, Doctor. I simply want your assurance that this injection will cause Willow and Gregory no harm...”

Doctor James Ferriday gazed at the finger.

“As I said, there is always a small risk, but if you look, you will see that this is less than the probability of...”

Sacha held up her hand.

“Please, Doctor. Don't try and confuse the issue.”

“I'm not trying to confuse the issue, I'm simply presenting you with the facts...”

Sacha rose to her feet.

“Well, I think I've heard enough. Willow, Gregory, put your coats back on. Thank you, Doctor, we'll be... what's that?”

James's screen flashed red and green.

“Oh dear,” he said, reading the yellow writing scrolling across the monitor. “I think you should take a seat.”

Sacha did so. Her son slipped his hand into hers.

“What's the matter, mummy?”

“Nothing, dear. Is everything OK, Doctor?”

“I'm sorry, Ms Melham...” he began, and then more kindly. “I'm sorry, Sacha, but you've crossed the threshold. I'm afraid to say, you're not allowed science any more.”

“I'm what?”

“You're not allowed science any more,” repeated James.

Sacha's lips moved as she tried to process what he had said.

“You're saying that you're refusing my children treatment?”

“No,” said James. “Quite the opposite. You and your children will always be entitled to the best medical care. It's just that you, Sacha, no longer have a say in it. I shall administer the vaccination immediately.”

“What?” Sacha sat up, eyes burning with indignation. “How dare you? I, and my husband, are the only ones who say how my family is run.”

“Well, yes,” said James. “But you no longer have a say in things where science is involved. You're not allowed science any more.”

“I never heard anything so ridiculous! Who decided that?”

“The Universe.”

“The Universe? Why should the Universe say I'm not allowed science any more?”

“Because you haven't paid science enough attention. You've had the opportunity to read the facts and the education to be able to analyse them, yet you have consistently chosen not to.”

“The education?” exclaimed Sacha. “Hah! My science education was terrible. None of my teachers could explain anything properly.”

“Really?” said James. “That would certainly be grounds for appeal...”

He pressed a couple of buttons. Tables of figures appeared on the screen.

“No,” he said, shaking his head. “I'm sorry... it turns out that your teachers were all really rather excellent. You went to a very good public school, after all. If you look at your teachers' results you will see they added significant value to their pupils' attainment.”

Sacha pouted.

“Well, they didn't like me.”

“Possibly...”

He pressed a couple more buttons.

“What?” said Sacha, hearing his sharp intake of breath.

“Look at this,” said James, scrolling down a long table. “Times and dates of occasions when you've proudly admitted to not being good at maths.”

“What's the matter with that? I'm not.”

“It's not the lack of ability, Sacha, it's the fact that you're proud of it. You'd never be proud of being illiterate. Why do you think your innumeracy is a cause for celebration?”

“Because... Well...”

“That's why you're not allowed science any more.”

“This is outrageous!” snarled Sacha. “How can this happen?”

“Oh, that's easy,” said James. “Magic.”

“Magic?” said Sacha, her eyes suddenly shining. “You mean there's really such a thing?”

“Of course not. But I can't explain to you how it's really done because you're not allowed science any more.”

Sacha fumbled for her handbag.

“I'm calling the BBC,” she said. “I'm a producer there, you know. I'll report you.”

“Report me to who you like,” said James. “The story will never get out. All your cameras and microphones and things work on science.”

Sacha gazed at him.

“Who gave you the right to control my life?”

“You've got it the wrong way round. You gave the right to control your life away. You're the one who chose to ignore the way the world works.”

“Hah!” said Sacha. “The way the world works! *&%$#! scientists. You think the world is all numbers and machines and levers. You don't understand anything about the soul or spirit.”

“Of course I do,” said James. “I've been happily married for 20 years. I have two children that I love. I play the piano, I enjoy reading. It's just that I have additional ways of looking at things.”

Sacha stood up.

“Willow, Gregory. We're going home,” she glared at James. “That is if I'm still allowed to drive? You don't have something against women drivers as well do you, Doctor?”

“This is nothing to do with you being female, Ms Melham,” said James, calmly. “This is purely about your attitude to science. Now, before you go, I'll administer the injection to the three of you.”

“You will not! I will not allow it.”

“I told you, you have no choice.”

“Why? Because I disagree with you?”

For this first time, James's anger showed itself.

“No!” he snapped. “You don't get it! You're allowed to disagree with me, I want you to disagree with me! I'd love to engage in reasoned debate with you. But until you take the trouble to understand what you're talking about, you're not allowed science any more. Now, roll up your sleeve.”

Sacha muttered something under her breath.

“What's in the injection?” said James. “You know, you start asking questions like that, you might get science back...”

[tasadam]

Just got this in an email. Not bad... I hope she's having a lend.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CI8UPHMzZm8

[Tortoise]

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?




















































































I don't know and I don't care

[tasadam]

What's the definition of suspense? ...........................

[phan_TOM]

The Smiths ran a jellied ell stall in London.They were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted